I grew up in a household with mental and physical illnesses. I grew up with an alcoholic father and grandparents, and a quadriplegic aunt whom was on a ventilator for most of the time. My parents decided to move in with my grandparents and aunt when I was two so I was around it all since i can remember. living with my grandparents and aunt i had a advantage to the many disadvantages..i had people to learn from. most children do not have the luxury of living with their grandparents, some dont even get to know theirs..i am incredibly thankful to have had that. Growing up we always had anything material that we needed...and now that i look back i think it was a way to make up for the emotional baggage i carry around now. I have to say that my family was incredibly good at taking care of my aunt. as a child i always thought that everyones family was like mine. its funny now because there are certain people who thought that living in that house was all fabulous and we just had the perfect life..well let me tell you people now...it wasnt all rainbows and butterflies..there was a lot of struggle and hardships that no child nor person should have to go through. so you "people" can kiss it because until you walked in our shoes you cant say anything. i dont care what you were told. MOVING ON....
My aunt was such a beautiful woman. As a little girl I almost saw her as a mother figure..we had so much fun..watching tv in her bed, or playing cards. When ever anything important would happen in my life I would run down to her room and be so eager to tell her because she was always ready to listen. she truly was the best listener. since she couldnt live her life walking around and such i truly believe she lived it through us. I have a lot of regrets when it comes to her because as a little girl I was always around her, and always wanted to be around her...but as i got older it got a lot harder to be around her. the reality of her situation set in. she would never walk, she would never have her own children, she would never do the things we all take for granted everyday. and yet she was one of the HAPPIEST people i will ever know. i truly think she was an angel and i took that for granted. when she passed away i blamed myself a lot for not keeping the closeness i had with her since i was a girl. i remember i was so mad because here i was 15 years old and had lived with this woman pretty much my entire life..and i didnt know her favorite color...(which i now know was peach) it sickens me how i push people away...but i truly think it has to do with my childhood...with all the sickness i lost a lot of people who i was extremely close with. yes, thats life..people die...but it always seems to be the best people. the ones that mean the most. one being an extremely influential person in my life who is a part of me and molded me into the woman i am...my grandmother. the more and more i think about her the more and more i realize how much i am like her. she was the most STUBBORN person ever. she had this way about her that would light up any room. her personality was like the sun on a rainy day..you couldnt help but love her. she was loud and obnoxious and truthfully it was great. i always had a very good connection with her. anything i did i could never disapoint her. i could literally tell her ANYTHING and if it was bad she be like "oh kristina" and roll her eyes and then change the subject to "hows your love life?" she always wanted me to be in love and truthfully i think that was just because she wanted me to be happy..and being in love meant happiness. she also knew what my life should be before i ever did...i was always her little sarah bernhardt. her little actress..she would have friends over and would have me sing for them or dance or tell jokes...(not like i minded) she always told me someday id be on a stage..unfortunately she never got to see it. but i know that shed be proud.
with good comes the bad..i earlier stated that i grew up with alcoholics..now honestly growing up alcohol was always just normal..grandma and grandpa had cocktail hour..i would get my kiddie cocktail and theyd have their shot and a beer and we'd watch the news. my father would usually have drinks after work..hed go to the bar or hed have it at home...that was the norm. i didnt really think it was an issue until i was old enough to understand. my early teenage years i figured out quickly that drinking all the time is not normal...but me being me just ignored it...pushed it out...to this day, i still dont think that it was as bad as it was...but the effect it has on me mentally is a total different story. i can honestly say that my childhood is a huge factor in who i am today..no doubts..i like to push people away as quickly as possible so they cant hurt me, i think of myself before others WAY to much because i believe they can take care of themselves emotionally, the way i do. i push people away before they can die on me..people die and that scares the hell out of me..thats the worst pain..you cant touch them, you cant talk to them, you cant see them, you cant hear them, its like they were never there.
all of this is the reason why i want to be famous...i need to be influential and to make my mark in life...because i am NOT OKAY with someone else feeling like i was never there. i want my life to be something people can learn from...MANY PEOPLE.
there is not a day that goes by that i dont think about my family ...the ones who are gone.. i miss them like crazy and i regret not keeping close relationships with them when life got hard for them. i know that i am selfish and i truly hope they know that i am sorry. you dont realize what you have until its gone...and thats said for people...who gives a shit about materialistic things..its about the people in life that is what matters. it will always be the people.
RIP
take chances
-krissy
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