"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
when i was little there was no pushing me to do ANYTHING, because if i didnt wanna do it..i simply didnt do it.ive always been my own person through and through and have looked out for myself. ive been the kind of person that has always loved others unconditionally but thought that my life is all about me. i guess that would mean im selfish, but is not a characteristic i choose to be ...it just kind of happens that way..for awhile now ive realized that relationships with others are hard to keep, i mean maybe its because im so wrapped up in myself that i just have sort of forgot what its like to put myself out there for others..maybe i feel that others will look out for themselves..like i do. or maybe ive been let down by people who i thought would be there and they werent because they were too busy caring for themselves...its such a double standard...we are suppose to be these such humble human beings and being there for others and doing things for others, but we shouldnt expect it in return right? i think its bullshit. in my life i have put myself out there for others who i care/cared about and was let down..i mean maybe thats my fault for holding such "high" standards but if you truly care for another thats what you do...youre there for them.
there is a lot of things that have happened in my life that explain who i am today. i grew up in a household that was filled with sickness, ranging from mental illness to physical...sickness and death were always something that was just the norm in my house. people got sick and then they died..simple and to the point..growing up, i wouldnt let myself get attached when i realized that people leave. that is something of my past that haunts me today. its hard to change who you are when its been the same since you were little..there is a lot of things i wish and should change but its so much easier to just stay the same..but its all seeming to hold me back from achieving greatness. the older i get the more and more i keep to myself...thats not me.but this probably results from me protecting myself from others..if you know me personally you know that i am confident in who i am..and am dramatic and a mess but im also smart and have high potential if i stop being my own enemy. my emotions keep me from doing things i know i should be doing. i have no idea what i need but i need something to push me...coming from a girl that can not be pushed to do anything..hah. stubborness does not get you very far let me be the shining example...
totally changing the subject...(not that i stay on one topic.....) but all this thinking about my past has brought up somethings that i have forgotten about..how cruel kids are..now ive never been skinny in my life..so with that said ive always been called fat,chunky, whatever....now i can remember everything that has ever been said to me negatively..i mean good thing people for the most part liked me or were scared of me..whichever there arent a lot of times but i still recall them...and i remember feeling so shocked that someone would say those things and what not but i would never say anything hurtful back, i would laugh it off and go on my way..with all this said i now know where my dislike for confrontation comes from...i have truly never been confrontational when it comes to defending myself...defending another is a total different story..but myself..never. its crazy to see how much your past really molds who you are in the present and future. like right now..this ranting...i will look back at and have a reaction to...and these words will mold a part of me for my future...
life...there are literally no words to explain it.
this post wasnt to just bash on myself and say all of the things that i dont understand or dislike about myself..because i do love myself...i tend to feel i love myself more than anyone else could..and im absolutely positively right. and if you look hard enough youll admit that its the same for you.
i just hope that i never turn out to be anywhere close to understanding this guy....
take chances
-krissy
